Your relationship with a higher power—no matter how you define it—can help you to remain open and willing, even as you acknowledge hard truths about pain you have caused to others. There are a lot of fearful feelings before, during and after making amends in the ninth step. While working step nine it’s really important to understand that the way things feel is not necessarily the way things are. Because we are feeling afraid we assume that this means we truly have something to fear. To prepare for this step it’s a good idea to let go of all our expectations about how our amends will or should turn out.
What Does Making Amends Have to Do With Sobriety?
Show that you understand the impact of your past actions and are committed to making things right. Remember, the goal in Step 9 is to foster healing and restoration — not just for you but also for those you’ve affected. The journey to recovery requires thoughtfulness, introspection, and an understanding that every action has an impact.
- An alcoholic in recovery first creates the list of individuals they have harmed during step eight and then divides the list into four categories.
- Often, people with substance use disorders cause harm to others, either intentionally or inadvertently.
- Or, you might dedicate yourself to acts of kindness or service, reflecting your changed nature and commitment to not repeat past mistakes.
- Therefore some Step Nine amends may take a little creativity and patience.
An Amend, Not an Apology
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. An example would be telling someone how sorry you are that you stole from them and actually giving back what you took. Making amends does not necessarily depend on your ability to connect with a person or how they respond to you. Restoration means bringing something back to its former state, usually things that have been damaged.
Should I Work on Step Eight Alone?
In many 12-step recovery programs, making amends is an important part of the process. For example, Alcoholic Anonymous (AA)’s ninth step involves making amends to the individuals in your life who were affected by your addiction. The goal of the program is to improve yourself and make strides to be a better person for yourself and your loved ones alike while also remaining sober. “Freedom” seems to be the word that most clearly describes the essence of Step Nine. It seems to sum up the relief from guilt and shame, the lessening of our obsession with “self”, and the increased ability to appreciate what’s really going on all around us. We may even start to think of our past as a gold mine of experiences to share with other people we’re trying to help in recovery, instead of as a period of darkness that we regret.
- Successfully approaching and accomplishing step nine requires the alcoholic in recovery to be willing to go to any lengths to make amends to those individuals whom they have harmed in the past.
- When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles.
- There are a lot of fearful feelings before, during and after making amends in the ninth step.
- Before you decide who to approach and how you intend to make amends, reflect on your efforts at recovery and the intent behind making amends.
- An important element of step nine is that those in recovery have already begun making amends to themselves by changing some of their behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs.
- They serve as a source of encouragement, a mirror reflecting your progress, and sometimes, a gentle nudge when you falter.
- We have already begun making amends to ourselves by changing some of our behaviors, attitudes and beliefs.
- Determining the most impactful living amends will require a great deal of honesty.
- At Silvermist we are committed to being available for you or your family member day or night, you can call us 24/7.
Generally speaking, people work through the Steps of Alcohol Anonymous with an addiction treatment counselor and/or sponsor. You can also turn to AA’s Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the 12 & 12) for guidance specific to Step 8. We are seeking accountability for our own actions and holding ourselves to the standards of our own values and our 12 Step program. We can’t know for certain how another person will respond—or even how the interaction might affect us emotionally.
My Loved One Needs Help
- Perhaps the person is no longer living, or you no longer have contact with them and reestablishing contact would cause more harm.
- Another thing you can do to continue rebuilding bridges is to remain sober.
- This was after they both had died and I am sorry that I couldn’t take this issue up with them personally.
- There is no denying that taking step nine takes tremendous courage.
- When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends.
- Remember that your journey is unique and valuable, and every step — no matter how difficult — brings you closer to healing and self-improvement.
Your efforts to make amends may not always go as well as you hope. Try not to respond with anger or defensiveness if others aren’t responsive to your efforts. They have been hurt by your actions, and they may not be willing to forgive and forget. They may have been hurt in ways that you were not able to identify when preparing to make amends.
How Taking Responsibility Improves Recovery
The good news is that you can rebuild bridges over time with some insight and effort. Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence—these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine. Sometimes we read the headline but fail to read the entire article. If we do this when we go through the steps we can do more damage to our already strained relationships. It’s an opportunity for healing and personal growth, fostering patience, sincerity, and openness. Sober Sidekick is here, providing a steadfast guide as you journey through Step 9 and all the steps that follow.
How to Find a 12-Step AA Program
This milestone is a testament to your strength and the courageous steps you’ve already taken on your path to recovery. If you’re ready to begin the process of recovery, we’re living amends here to help. No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends. Sometimes, you may not have the opportunity to make direct amends to the person you harmed.
Sometimes the injured party is not willing to forgive and forget. Regardless, spiritual progress for those in recovery depends on doing their part right and making direct amends. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery, whereas apologies are basically words. When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles.